The Tale Of Two Twat

This picture was taken last season. One I hated from sometime ago and one I am beginning to for obvious reasons.

Art From Ramil Guerra

This is boss!

A painting of Luis Suarez on canvas by Ramil Guerra, a Liverpool fan living in Sabah. Some of his artwork can be found (here).

Its fantastic and keep up the good work.

#YNWA ./

Cerita Bola Sepak Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur 1987-1989

Manusia beratur seperti rantai dihadapan mesin tiket KL monorail Stesen Imbi yang mengadap Berjaya Times Square. Sebenarnya stesen ini terhimpit diantara dua bangunan gergasi dan disokong oleh tiang-tiang besar dicelah jalanraya menuju Jalan Imbi, sajak dengan namanya. Himpitan yang jelas memberitahu kita bahawa perancangan pertumbuhan bandar Kuala Lumpur ini bolehlah dirumuskan sebagai ‘hampir tiada’.

Suasana sudah mula redup. Angin yang asalnya sepoi-sepoi kini semakin menganas. Dahan-dahan pokok yang menjadi lanskap mengindahkan kawasan Berjaya Times mula menggila. Bau hujan makin jelas menusuk hidung. Titis air halus mula gugur berpusing-pusing melayang ditiup angin deras. Saya berdoa agar saya sempat sampai ke KL Sentral sebelum hujan lebat turun.

***

Saya memandang keluar tingkap gerabak, menggelamun menyaksikan titis air yang berselirat dan menjadi huru-hara apabila ditiup angin kuat memukul bahagian luar tingkap. Tiba-tiba titisan air hujan yang tadinya penuh melekat di tingkap gerabak menjadi semakin sirna. Nun jauh diluar dan membelakangkan lembayung senja, kelihatan sebuah kubu. Kubu yang pernah menjadi kebanggaan negara suatu ketika dahulu. Kubu yang didalamnya pernah dilaungkan kalimat bersejarah, “Merdeka! Merdeka! Merdeka!”

Kubu yang diberi nama Stadium Merdeka.

Walau dengan cat yang kelihatan masih elok dan hanya sedikit kusam akibat serangan kulat hitam yang meliar menyelubungi bahagian tepi konkritnya, Stadium Merdeka jelas tampak sunyi dan keseorangan. Berjirankan pencakar langit yang pernah bertakhta sebagai yang tertinggi didunia, Stadium Merdeka kini tinggal sejarah.

Bunyi geseran tayar gerabak tadi semakin menghilang. Kini, mula menguasai telinga dan minda saya hanya sorakan pengunjung yang bergema dari dalam stadium dan manusia yang berpusu-pusu mencari tempat parkir kereta diluar manakala penunggang motosikal pula sebok memastikan helmet ‘Apollo’ buruk mereka tersendal kemas ditempat duduk motor. Saya yakin mereka ada helmet yang jauh lebih cantik dari itu dirumah. Gema sorakan tadi mendadak naik dan seperti mana ia datang, mendadak surut. Jerit pekik penjual air dan burger juga bersimpang-siur didalam minda.

Pemandangan saya tiba-tiba terus menjadi gelap.

“Wooooaarrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” Gema sorakan dari dalam stadium menyentakkan saya yang tiba-tiba ibarat dalam mimpi, sedang berjalan menuju kearah Stadium Merdeka didalam gelap malam. Ditemani lampu kuning jalan dan agas. Saya berdiri tercegat bagai dilanggar garuda. Tercenggang.

“Lubang kekunci masa mana pulak yang aku dah lintas ni?” hati saya berdetik. Sekeping tiket ditangan menunjukkan saya harus ke pintu masuk stadium nombor 1.

Debaran makin terasa dan langkah saya makin laju. Saya renung kembali tiket dalam genggaman yang tertulis, “Perlawanan Akhir Piala Malaysia tahun 1989”. Lidah saya menjadi kelu.

*************

Sedikit sedutan dari cerita pasukan bolasepak Kuala Lumpur (1987-89) yang saya tulis bersama beberapa lagi jemaah penggila bolasepak Malaysia didalam buku Cerita Bola Sepak Malaysia.

Akan dijual di KLAB esok.

Semoga buku terbitan Dubook Press ini mendapat sambutan hangat.

Tentang Zain & Wembley - Tiba di London, Bahagian 2.

"Ketak ketuk, ketak ketuk, ketak ketuk."

Zain amati bunyi tayar keretapi Heathrow Express yang sedang dinaikinya meluncur diatas landasan besi. Zain pasti frekuensi bunyi yang dikeluarkan disini berbeza dari frekuensi bunyi yang dihasilkan oleh tayar LRT di Kuala Lumpur.

"Kualiti pembinaan berbeza agaknya."

Fikiran Zain yang penuh dengan konsep fizik, mengeluh.

Pandangan mata Zain terpana melihat keadaan diluar gerabak yang cerah dilimpahi sinar mentari walau lembab. Peninggalan embun pagi tadi masih jelas kelihatan namun kini molekul-molekulnya mula aktif setelah dipalun tenaga cahaya, bersusun, tidak sabar untuk memelowap naik kelangit.

"Nyaman betul musim panas ni. Santai di Hyde Park mesti cemerlang," detus hati kecil Zain sementara fikirannya terbayang gadis-gadis London yang genit berseluar jeans potong paras pangkal peha, memakai kit replika Liverpool saiz XS, bermain rollerblade dilaluan pejalan kaki taman terbesar di tengah-tengah kota London itu.

"Paddington Station!"

Suara garau dan kuat bergegar keluar dari celah-celah corong sistem PA mengejutkan Zain dari lamunan gadis-gadis rollerblade berambut ikal melambai-lambai lembut ditiup angin.

Turun dari Heathrow Express, Zain mengheret beg trolinya yang sarat dengan baju, dokumen, laptop dan makanan segera jenama 'Brahim'. Sambil mengheret, mata Zain menjeling jam ditangan yang sudah menunjukkan waktu sarapan yang telah lama berlalu. Perut Zain mencerut-cerut kelaparan dan beberapa kali telah memalukannya diatas keretapi kerana berbunyi terlalu kuat. Walaupun dia cuba menekan bahagian perut kiri dengan siku untuk mengurangkan aktiviti keroncong perut, dia gagal. Seorang lelaki berbangsa Afrika yang duduk disebelah kanan Zain didalam keretapi tadi terpana mendengar bunyi yang datang dari sebelah kiri beliau.

Jelas, perubahan cuaca dan kelembapan udara ditambah dengan kedudukan London yang berada jauh dari garisan khatulistiwa telah memberikan impak yang agak luarbiasa keatas asidifikasi perut Zain. Memang kuat bunyi perutnya tadi. Zain pasrah, menggelengkan kepala dan terus mengheret beg hingga ke mesin tiket.

'Edgware Road, One Way' ialah tiket pilihannya. Edgware Road sebenarnya dekat dan hanya satu hentian stesyen dari Paddington tetapi menarik beg tatkala orang-ramai berpusu-pusu ingin ke tempat kerja bukanlah satu idea yang bagus. Teksi juga bukanlah satu pilihan pengangkutan yang bijak di kota London.

Usai menarik tiket itu keluar dari mesin, Zain bergegas ke tepi landasan menunggu gerabak.

"Mind the gap!"

Ayat yang sinonim dengan sistem pengangkutan di London berkumandang dari pembesar suara didalam stesyen ibarat lagu tidak berirama. Zain terus menaiki keretapi yang tiba tanpa melengahkan masa. Badannya terasa amat penat.

"This train will be calling at Harrow & Wealdstone. Next stop, Warwick Avenue." Pengumuman dari pemandu menyentakkan Zain.

"Aduh."

Zain terpana lagi. Dia tahu dia sudah tersilap. Sepatutnya dia naik keretapi ke selatan, arah Elephant & Castle tetapi kini dia menuju utara.

Zain turun di stesyen Warwick Avenue dan menaiki keretapi arah selatan pula dengan harapan tiada lagi permasalahan yang akan dihadapinya pagi itu.


(... bersambung)

Edisi yang lepas:

1. Tentang Zain & Wembley
2. Tentang Zain & Wembley - Tiba di London

Tentang Zain & Wembley - Tiba di London

"How long will you be staying in the UK?"

Pegawai imigresen di Heathrow Airport memang sentiasa menjengkelkan. Mereka akan cuba untuk mencari kelemahan pengunjung atas tujuan apa, Zain kurang pasti.

"2 weeks. Here are my work documents and the hotel confirmation." Balas Zain sambil menunjukkan pengesahan bilik hotel dan aturcara kerjanya di kota London.

"But your work itinerary states that the seminar will end on the 2nd? Why the extension in stay?" Pegawai imigresen berbangsa Pakistan itu cuba menjadi penyiasat.

Zain terkenal dengan sifat panas barannya. Dia pernah mencampakkan fail kepada pengurus ditempat kerja hanya kerana dia tidak diberitahu tentang perubahan masa mesyuarat mingguan. Kali ini dia sabar. Jika dia naik darah mungkin dia tidak dibenarkan masuk ke England dan harapan untuk menyaksikan perlawanan akhir di Wembley, hancur berderai. Pedulikan kerja, Liverpool lebih penting.

"Well, I plan to watch the FA cup finals but I still have not got tickets. If I do manage to get it, then I may fly back to Malaysia the week after."

"You a Liverpool fan?" Pegawai imigresen memenyetkan keningnya sambil merenung mata kiri Zain yang terkebil-kebil.

"Yes." Jawab Zain.

Pegawai imigresen terus merenung mata Zain. 10 saat berlalu dan masa seolah-olah telah berhenti.

"You'll never walk alone mate. I hope you get the tickets because I couldn't." Pegawai tadi tersenyum dan menyerahkan kembali semua dokumen kepada Zain.

"Thanks." Mata kiri Zain masih terkebil-kebil.

"You know what? Chelsea is shite." Pegawai imigresen tadi berbicara halus seolah berbisik kepada Zain.

"Next!"

Pegawai imigresen mengarahkan Zain untuk pergi.

Zain cergas menuju kearah stesyen keretapi bawah tanah di terminal 3, Heathrow. Perjalanan ke hotel di tengah kota London mungkin akan mengambil masa 45 minit. Zain harus mengambil Heathrow Express, turun di Paddington Station kemudian menaiki Bakerloo Line untuk turun ke Edgware Road.

"Mind the gap!"

Suara pembesar suara di stesyen terminal 3 memecahkan hening pagi itu.

Mata kiri Zain terus terkebil-kebil tetapi kini dia sudah hampir ke kota London.

(.... bersambung)


Edisi dahulu:

1. Tentang Zain & Wembley

Dilema Alou Diarra

Ketika menyaksikan perlawanan England menentang Perancis tempoh hari, saya teruja melihat permainan seorang pemain bertubuh sasa dan tinggi lampai berjersi nombor 18. Beliau bermain diposisi "holding midfielder" untuk pasukan "Les Blues". 

Beliau ialah Alou Diarra.

Tahukah anda bahawa dia pernah bersama pasukan Liverpool tetapi tidak pernah berjaya mewakili kesebelasan utama "the reds"? Gerrard Houllier membawanya dari Bayern Munich ke Liverpool pada tahun 2002 ketika Diarra berusia 21 tahun tetapi telah dijual oleh Rafael Benitez kepada kelab Perancis, Lens pada musim 2004-2005.

Beliau kini telah 42 kali mewakili pasukan kebangsaan Perancis tetapi masih belum pernah menjaringkan gol untuk negaranya.

Saya masih hairan mengapa Rafa melepaskannya. Mungkin kerana sukar untuk beliau mendapatkan tempat kerana pada usia yang muda perlu bersaing dengan pemain yang jauh lebih berpengalaman seperti Didi Hamann dan Salif Diao.

Ini membawa saya kepada satu persoalan eksistensial yang penuh dilema; Mungkinkah Jordan Henderson dan Andy Carroll yang baru berusia diawal 20an akan menjadi pemain yang hebat dan harus kekal supaya pisang tidak berbuah dua kali di Liverpool seperti melepaskan Alou Diarra ketika dia muda dan kurang pengalaman tetapi kini terbukti amat mantap?

Kops di dalam persarungan busana melayu.

"I come not to play." - Daniel Agger.

Anfield, a place we call home.

Anfield Stadium, home of Liverpool Football Club.

In footballing terms, it is one of the most historic site in England. Entrenched in the heart of Liverpool for more than 100 years, it was opened in 1884 and since then became the darling of merseyside.

Liverpool used to be a bustling port city where sailors from all over the world had come to work and stay. Infact we can find many Malaysians who once traveled the sea making their living on ships became part of its population and being similar to Detroit USA, Liverpool is a city populated by mostly blue collared worker. It is a tough place to live. Many of the sailors back then were Norwegians and the word "scouse" came from a Norwegian word for stew called "lapskaus". I bet they also have a few negritos from South America around then.

Anyway, from the very beginning football has never been only just a past time sport in England. It is one of the most popular and to some, it is like a religion. In Liverpool, it became their life.

Akin to a synagogue to jews and mosque to muslims, Anfield Stadium became a sacred place for the red half of Liverpool. It is the spot where they would come to socialize, drink and spend time together, cheering their team with unconditional love. Until now, the stadium is filled with friends and the kop end placing their most fiercest.

The English league has now become commercially huge. With that comes the need to make football stadium bigger. Arsenal and Manchester United are some of the big clubs that has made that shift and benefited from it.

With a maximum capacity of only about 45,000 seat compared to 75,000 at Old Trafford and 60,000 at Emirates, Anfield Stadium is at a crossroad.

When Hicks and Gillette took over the team back in 2007, they made plans to build a new stadium in Stanley Park. Visuals on the design have also been published to the public.

Recently, Ian Ayre made a press statement saying that they are making progress on finalizing the future of Anfield. It has been a wide known fact that Fenway Sports Group (FSG) is reluctant to build a new stadium at a cost of 300million pounds with only an additional 15,000 seat. There were also rumours saying that Air China is prepared to invest in building the new stadium subject to them having the rights over its name. Okay, let's not go there.

Contrary to this, a recent article in the Guardian reported that instead of building a new stadium, FSG has opted for the cheaper route, my preferred route. Anfield will be upgraded by demolishing nearby houses to add in new tiers and corporate facilities. The management is in the midst of clearing up issues with the city council especially in the area of "right of light" where residents within the vicinity of the stadium will be guaranteed to have similar "illuminations" or quantity of light even after the stadiums refurbishment.

Whatever the future holds for Anfield Stadium, the fact remains. It will always be the stadium most revered by opponents especially when the home fans starts roaring "You'll never walk alone".

It will always be our home and at home, we can call Evra what ever we want.

Why every team needs a Djimi Traore

Alright. Calm down! Just because I watch footie for the blokes doesn't mean I didn't notice how gobshite Traore was.

Make no mistake. He was gobshite. We know it. His team-mates (or team partners according to Suarez) know it. Everyone and their grandmother know it. Not sure if Djimi himself knows he's gobshite though. He does have more CL medal than the short twat who went to the dark side to warm their bench, after all.

Anyway, back to why every team needs a Djimi Traore in their midst.

Everyone and their dog know Traore used to be the biggest gobshite ever to wear the red jersey.

Hence, Traore was a threat. A huge threat!

In fact, you could say Traore used to be our Fear Factor.

See, this is how it used to work.

When Rafa put Traore on the bench, players get scared.

Extremely scared.

Just the sight of Traore lurking on the bench, ready to take over your place, would make even someone like Lazy Andy plays harder.

Now, if they are still slacking, all Rafa had to do was make Traore go and warm up

This would put the fear of  Robbie Fowler on any player and push them to the edge, make them give the best performance of their life.

Cause no one, but no one, wanted to be substituted for Traore.

Cause you know if you were to be substituted for Traore, you are an even bigger gobshite! Your humiliation would be complete.

So in effect, Traore was a huge motivator. Which is why he is a legend in his own lunchtime. And he deserves the three medals he had.

Having said that, having 3 Traores in the form of the Three Stooges - Hendo, Downing and Frodo - may be a bit too much though.

Start them young

Chelsea's Baby Kit

Citeh's Baby Kit

Arses Baby Kit

Liverpool Baby Kit

Manure's Baby Kit

 Available at Giant, Carrefour and Tesco. 

Tiki-Taka Lollapalooza

With the appointment of Mr.Rodgers as the new Liverpool manager, articles and blogs have mushroomed all over the net telling us the kind of tactics Mr.Rodgers might deploy at Anfield. It looks quite easy really. Is it really?

He divides the field into 8 separate zones and player assigned to play on a particular zone has a certain role and has to have a specific set of footballing skills, unlike "total football" where the skills possessed by each player is adaptive to the role they need to play on the pitch. When they lose the ball, they have to work their socks off to win it back as quickly as possible and when the ball is won, pass it around to create chances. By moving the ball around, the players have time to settle down and take a breather.

That is called tiki-taka football.

The tiki-taka shenanigan has taken the football world by storm. Similar to news of boa constrictors swallowing kids, tiki-taka is suddenly everywhere like wildfire.

Due to this tiki-taka outbreak, some fans are worried that everyone now knows what the hell tiki-taka is all about and Liverpool's tiki-taka tactic will turn into bubbles, blown away into oblivion by gust as mild as Chelsea. Before you know it, there's a handbook called "How To Terminate Tiki-Taka For Dummies" being sold on book stands all over the world.

Folks, it took Brendan Rodgers almost 20 years to make it good, putting ideas to paper and kept load piles of files on the subject matter and we worry over a two page worth of tiki-taka info being shared. Let Mr.Rodgers worry about that and we ourselves worry about settling our own bills, okay?

For all we know, if Sir purple nose were to implement similar tactics it may turn into ziggy zaggy with Gigsy as the clown, rudeboy as the court jester and Nani as, errr ... Nani? When that happens, we shall all sip coffee and call it the "chewing gum-chewing gim" football.

A Liverbird Upon My Chest

"Here is a story about a football team,
the greatest team you have ever seen,
a team that play total football,
and won the league europe and all.

A liverbird upon my chest,
we are the men of Shankly's best,
a team that plays the Liverpool way,
and wins the championship in May.

With Kenny Dalglish on the ball,
he was the greatest of them all,
and Ian Rush four goals or two,
left Evertonians feeling blue.

A liverbird upon my chest,
we are the men of Shankly's best,
a team that plays the Liverpool way,
and wins the championship in May.

Now if you go down Goodison way,
hardluck stories you here each day,
there is not a trophy to be seen,
cause Liverpool has swept them clean.

A liverbird upon my chest,
we are the men of Shankly's best,
a team that plays the Liverpool way,
and wins the championship in May.

On the glorious 10th of May,
there is laughing reds on Wembley way,
we are full of smiles and joy and glee,
its Everton 1 and Liverpool 3.

A liverbird upon my chest,
we are the men of Shankly's best,
a team that plays the Liverpool way,
and wins the championship in may."

Warrior dan Liverpool 2012/2013.

Kalau ada yang masih ingat ketika 26 Januari 2012, Abang Bellars telah menunjukkan satu persembahan mantap meyakinkan dan paling penting, golnya telah membawa Liverpool mara ke perlawanan akhir Piala Carling.

Secara tidak langsung, Wembley pasti dilanda aura Anfield yang datang dari Merseyside.

Aku terus berniat tegar, akan mencacahkan 'Bellamy' di belakang jersi baru Liverpool untuk musim 2012/2013.

Setelah meredah badai ribut di atas langit, merentas samudera terbentang luas, melepasi pemeriksaan kastam, akhirnya yang ditunggu-tunggu berada di rangkulan.

Ianya jersi Liverpool dengan jenama Warrior, penaja baru yang menggantikan Adidas.

39, Bellamy, tepat sekali. Bagus betul pekerja Liverpool Online Store, tiada kesalahan langsung, semuanya dalam kondisi baik-baik sahaja.

Setelah dicuba pakai, ternyata memuaskan. Material (84% polyster, 16% recycled S.Cafe polyester) sangat selesa disarungkan dan dibawa ke mana-mana jua hatta majlis pernikahan ketua kampung anda sekalipun.

Cuaca yang panas? Jangan risau, sarungkan jersi Warrior dan peluh anda pasti tersejat pantas. Badan pula terasa dingin senantiasa.

Bagi aku, zaman kegemilangan yang mahu dikembalikan pada jersi Liverpool menjadi. JFT96 di belakang tengkuk dan logo Liverbird di dada kiri, ternyata corak ringkas ini berjaya menambat hati.

Buktinya, rekod baru untuk penjualan secara 'pre-order'. Nama yang paling banyak ditempah oleh warga Kops pula ialah Gerrard, disusuli Suarez dan Lucas.

Pendek kata, seluruh manusia harus berbangga dengan wujudnya jersi Liverpool buatan Warrior ini. Kepada mereka yang merasa rendah diri dan tidak berkeyakinan untuk mengorat pakwe/makwe, bolehlah menyarungkan jersi ini pada badan anda. Pasti keyakinan tinggi datang mencurah tiba.

 

YNWA.

Bila Kita Mahu Start Shopping Players?

Umum sudah jelas akan pengurus baru Liverpool, Encik Brendan Rodgers. Dan tak kurang juga kutu-kutu berahak yang buat lame joke Kenny Rogers, c'mon. Too stupid yet too retards. Cuba nak jadi cool huh? Well, you just did. Cool bloody arseholes with half brain. What a creatures.

Ok sekarang bila kita akan shopping pemain-pemain hebat yang duk ada dalam market? Kata nak rebuild the team, manager dah ada. Supposedly today (UK time) dorang nak reveal Encik Brendan Gan. Maksud saya Brendan Rodgers. Saya taknak jadi skeptikal akan perlantikkan pengurus baru Liverpool ini. Biarlah waktu yang menentukannya. The greatest win is patience kata orang bijak pandai. Bagi orang yang kurang pandai macam saya, bersabar tu takde masalah. Cuma sampai bila?

Ok bagi mereka yang memang tak pandai langsung, macam saya cakap diperenggan awal tadilah. Lawak Kenny Rogers, lawak this is our season, lawak we will bounce back. Itu yang tak pandai langsung. Tapi berlagak "Mr. I Know Everything". Like I care?

So dalam konteks pembelian pemain untuk Liverpool menghadapi musim baru nanti apakah yang bermain difikiran dan apakah harapan (Mohon jangan berhenti berharap) Rakan Kop sekalian alam? Apakah masih mahu duduk depan TV sambil hampir sakit jantung tengok Liverpool main atau redha apa sahaja terjadi lepas ini? Harapan mesti ada bukan?

Bila saya baca pemain-pemain seperti Eden Hazard, Hulk yang menyatakan mereka akan ke Chelsea yakni kelab untuk mereka-mereka dari golongan sumbang mahram, pencurang, perverts serta kelab ini juga memang terkenal untuk golongan mereka-mereka yang sinonim dengan gelaran Pengkhianat. Kenapa saya namakan begitu? Nanti saya kupas. Maksud saya dilain entri, bukan untuk entri ini. Apakah kita rasa bila nama-nama seperti Hazard (dari zaman Benitez lagi scout duk usha-usha) atau Hulk memilih untuk pergi kelab sebegitu rather than Liverpool? Dengki tak? Dengki tak? Sikit pon mesti ada kan?

Ahh sialan, nak taip panjang-panjang bos plak panggil. Nanti bersambung dilain entri.........

Five or Six?

It has been confirmed that Frank Lampard a.k.a "Super Frank" to Chelsea fans (sounds like a stick of gigantic hotdog to me) has been ruled out of England's Euro2012 campaign due to a thigh injury yesterday.

Replacing Lampard is a kid that has never failed to entertain us. Its non other than our own, Jordan Henderson a.k.a "Hendo" to #rakankop twitter committee members.

Will Hendo feature regularly in the three lions line-up? Come on, let's be realistic here. Honestly, he is just there to get a feel of things. Everyone in England expects Hendo to be the person that replaces Gerrard at club and international level (no disrespect to Hendo, but some might beg to differ on this), so what better way than to start making him get the feel immediately.

With the inclusion of Hendo, Liverpool FC has five players in the England squad and this is terribly exciting. Others might argue that England is going to fail miserably this time around (for bloating the team up with kops) but my gut feeling tells me otherwise.

I am sure that the five will do fine and make all of us proud. Some might forget that Roy Hodgson was once a Liverpool chap, so make that six.