Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, Robbie Fowler was caught stealing the hubcabs of a visiting Manchester United bus.
The Bobby, an Everton fan who hated Manures more than he hated Liverpool, told him to disappear quick smart to avoid the gallows.
Herein lies the dilemma. Fowler is revered by many and recognised everywhere. Where could he go?
His father, who was never married to his mother, came up with a solution. "Go to a country where they don't speak English mate".
"But Carra lives right here, Dad."
Robbie was thoroughly confused and went for a walk.
There down the road, he saw a car parked a few doors down from The Rooneys, the brother and sister who married each other and consequently had two ugly sons: John and Wayne. The car was shaking. He peered in and saw a set of dentures on the dashboard.
Thoroughly puzzled, he turned his attention to the back seat and saw a hairy arse bopping away. He knocked on the window and a startled Wayne Rooney turned towards him. Beneath him was an ancient grandma.
She gave Robbie a toothless grin. 'This won't take long. 5 quid and I'm all yours, son. If you want a toothless blowjob, that's extra 5 quid me lad."
Robbie was disgusted. He puked all over Wayne's bald head and pizza face, and ran like he's never ran before, not even when he scored a hattrick against Arsenal in under 5 minutes.
Finally breathless, he stopped in front of a row of shophouses. Catching his breath, he looked up. 'Couscous Algerian Restaurant.'
"Algeria! That's where I'll hide."
He arrived at Algiers Airport the next night. A short cab drive later, he arrived at the town centre. As he wandered around, he happily listened to the noisy Arabic chatter. "No one would know me here"
"Robbie! Robbie Fowler! Robbie Bernard Fowler! GOD!"
Robbie turned around. "What the flying fuc....oh, helloooo"
There stood before him was a vision in white, a creature so exotic, all the WAGS in England, despite their perpetual tanning table tans, paled in comparison.
"My Abuya sent me to London once to learn proper English. But he took me back when he heard David Beckham speak. But I remember you Robbie! I have always worshipped you. I have always wanted to kiss your plastered nose. In my country, we believe people with huge honkers have a huge ..oops " She giggled adoringly while covering her mouth with her fingers.
Robbie was instantly smitten. "Why don't I take you for a drink and tell you all about my huge honkers then?"
They ended up at a dimly lit bar. There, smoking cannabis out of a shishas and drinking goat's milk, Robbie had an epiphany. "I must give this sweet girl the greatest gift of all. I must relieve her of her virginity"
So he took her to back of the pub. And there against a wall, he slipped one up her.
"Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God."
"You don't have to use my middle name darling. Just call me Robbie."
After that memorable night, Robbie went back to England and resume his football career to become one of Liverpool's greatest strikers, known simply as GOD.
Little did he know he has sired a son, who looks exactly like him.
Many, many years later, the son, naturally, grew up to be a footballer too.
And being Robbie's son, last night Samir Nasri-Fowler did his dad proud by scoring two against his dad's most hated team, The Manures.
Moral of the story: Fowler did a great service to ABUs (Anything But United) worldwide for not pulling out in time.
Congrats Arsenal! Ace one